Justin: How long have I been passed out?
Mom: A few hours.
Justin: You just let me sleep on the living room floor?
Mom: Let isn't the right word. Do you remember what happened?
Justin: Nope.
Mom: Well after finishing God knows how many drinks you stumbled to the living, screamed "I hate everyone" fell down and never got back up.
Justin: Sounds like me. But I still have a few questions.
Mom: Alright.
Justin: Why am I wearing these ugly necklaces and why is my forehead wet.
Mom: Funny story, after your little breakdown, the girls thought you were possessed so they covered you in rosaries and sprinkled holy water on your head...apparently Bobi carries some around with her in her purse.
Justin: Are you telling me I've been exorcised?
Mom: Yep.
Justin: Huh.
Mom: Did it work?
Justin: Fuck if I know.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Defender
Abe(Sister's Husband): I want you to stop being so mean to my wife.
Justin: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Abe: You know who I am Justin.
Mom: Abe, I am going to have to stop you there, because honestly it's like your hunting a bear with a sling shot. I mean sure you've got Jesus on your side or more correctly Jesus WILL be at your side when this conversation is over, because this one here, he'll fuckin' kill ya.
Abe: ...you're all nuts.
Mom: Welcome to the family.
(Abe leaves living room)
Justin: No seriously...who was that?
Mom: How much have you had to drink today?
Justin: Am I still lucid?
Mom: Yes.
Justin: Then not enough.
Justin: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Abe: You know who I am Justin.
Mom: Abe, I am going to have to stop you there, because honestly it's like your hunting a bear with a sling shot. I mean sure you've got Jesus on your side or more correctly Jesus WILL be at your side when this conversation is over, because this one here, he'll fuckin' kill ya.
Abe: ...you're all nuts.
Mom: Welcome to the family.
(Abe leaves living room)
Justin: No seriously...who was that?
Mom: How much have you had to drink today?
Justin: Am I still lucid?
Mom: Yes.
Justin: Then not enough.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Wal-Mart Hair.
Dad: I really like you hair.
Justin: Thank you.
Dad: Yeah I got one at Wal-Mart last month and it really grew out nice.
Justin: If you ever get your hair cut at Wal-Mart again, I will slit my wrists.
Dad: Did you get yours cut there?
Justin: Or you could just stab me in the heart right now.
Dad: Are you alright?
Justin: OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BREATHE!
Dad: What the hell is the matter?
Justin: Did you Just...oh sweet Jesus...did you just ask me, if I got MY haircut at...WAL-MART!!!
Dad: Well...
Justin: Does my hair look like it smokes Newports? Does it look like it wears Scooby GOD DAMN DOO pajamas out in public? DOES MY HAIR LOOK LIKE A POOR PERSON?!?
Dad: ...no.
Justin: Are you hot? Crack a window! I am fuckin' ROASTIN'!
Justin: Thank you.
Dad: Yeah I got one at Wal-Mart last month and it really grew out nice.
Justin: If you ever get your hair cut at Wal-Mart again, I will slit my wrists.
Dad: Did you get yours cut there?
Justin: Or you could just stab me in the heart right now.
Dad: Are you alright?
Justin: OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BREATHE!
Dad: What the hell is the matter?
Justin: Did you Just...oh sweet Jesus...did you just ask me, if I got MY haircut at...WAL-MART!!!
Dad: Well...
Justin: Does my hair look like it smokes Newports? Does it look like it wears Scooby GOD DAMN DOO pajamas out in public? DOES MY HAIR LOOK LIKE A POOR PERSON?!?
Dad: ...no.
Justin: Are you hot? Crack a window! I am fuckin' ROASTIN'!
Message.
Mom: Bobi, who the hell is Yogi Bear?
Bobi: Yogi Bear?
Mom: Yeah you left me this message that said Yogi Bear called today.
Bobi: Oh yeah she did!
Mom: I don't know any Yogi Bear's...
Bobi: Well she called you, you should keep better track of your friends.
Mom: Are you SURE they said Yogi Bear?
Bobi: That's what it sounded like to me.
(5 minutes later)
Mom: Bobi...Yyvonne Brown just called to tell me about our appointment next week.
Bobi: Oh was that her name? I thought that was odd! Huh! (Walks out of Kitchen)
Mom: Yogi...Fucking...Bear...what a fucking Idiot.
Justin: AH HA! I KNEW YOU KNEW SHE WAS AN IDIOT!
Bobi: Yogi Bear?
Mom: Yeah you left me this message that said Yogi Bear called today.
Bobi: Oh yeah she did!
Mom: I don't know any Yogi Bear's...
Bobi: Well she called you, you should keep better track of your friends.
Mom: Are you SURE they said Yogi Bear?
Bobi: That's what it sounded like to me.
(5 minutes later)
Mom: Bobi...Yyvonne Brown just called to tell me about our appointment next week.
Bobi: Oh was that her name? I thought that was odd! Huh! (Walks out of Kitchen)
Mom: Yogi...Fucking...Bear...what a fucking Idiot.
Justin: AH HA! I KNEW YOU KNEW SHE WAS AN IDIOT!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Hair Dye.
Bobi: Did you dye your hair?
Justin:...yes.
Bobi: You know when people change their God given natural appearance it's like saying "Hey God, You didn't do a good job".
Justin: So let me get this straight, if me and God want to be pals, I need to look like you?
Bobi: Well not like me, but staying natural like me, yes.
Justin: Well in that case, all hale Satan.
Justin:...yes.
Bobi: You know when people change their God given natural appearance it's like saying "Hey God, You didn't do a good job".
Justin: So let me get this straight, if me and God want to be pals, I need to look like you?
Bobi: Well not like me, but staying natural like me, yes.
Justin: Well in that case, all hale Satan.
Thankful.
Bobi: Who wants to start grace?
Justin: Oh I'm not doing that.
Mom: Justin...please.
Bobi: I'll start, I am thankful for all the miracles Jesus has brought to us this year...
Justin: Oh Christ...
Mom: One at a time honey.
(20 minutes later after sister, husband, 6 Nieces, and one mother have said what they are thankful for)
Bobi: And Justin What are you thankful for?
Justin: Where do I begin really? I am thankful for packing two economy size bottles of vodka for this RIVETING family get together. For the large quantity of just ass pounding animalistic sex I have had this year. And mostly that no matter how much of that sex I continue to have, I can't get pregnant so I will never have to subject anyone to the ABSOLUTE SHIT STORM that is listening to 6 children talk about how great Jesus is for 20 fucking minutes...anyone else need a refill?
Justin: Oh I'm not doing that.
Mom: Justin...please.
Bobi: I'll start, I am thankful for all the miracles Jesus has brought to us this year...
Justin: Oh Christ...
Mom: One at a time honey.
(20 minutes later after sister, husband, 6 Nieces, and one mother have said what they are thankful for)
Bobi: And Justin What are you thankful for?
Justin: Where do I begin really? I am thankful for packing two economy size bottles of vodka for this RIVETING family get together. For the large quantity of just ass pounding animalistic sex I have had this year. And mostly that no matter how much of that sex I continue to have, I can't get pregnant so I will never have to subject anyone to the ABSOLUTE SHIT STORM that is listening to 6 children talk about how great Jesus is for 20 fucking minutes...anyone else need a refill?
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The Favorite
Justin: EVERYONE STOP!
Bobi: What? What's wrong?
Justin: I lost my earring.
Bobi: Just buy a new one.
Justin: uhh, I am not just leaving a diamond earring laying around on the floor.
Bobi: I thought they were cubic zirconias.
Justin: EWW! Why would you ever think that?
Bobi: Well who buys diamond earrings?
Justin: Uh Mom does, for me, on Christmas.
Bobi: She never buys me diamonds.
Justin: Well she likes me.
Bobi: What? What's wrong?
Justin: I lost my earring.
Bobi: Just buy a new one.
Justin: uhh, I am not just leaving a diamond earring laying around on the floor.
Bobi: I thought they were cubic zirconias.
Justin: EWW! Why would you ever think that?
Bobi: Well who buys diamond earrings?
Justin: Uh Mom does, for me, on Christmas.
Bobi: She never buys me diamonds.
Justin: Well she likes me.
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