Cheer Me Up

*Justin half asleep*
Mary (Niece): Uncle Justin?
Justin: AHH VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED CHILD! GO FOR THE EYES! GO FOR THE EYES!!! Oh. it's just you, what do you want?
Mary: You look sad.
Justin: Want to cheer me up?
Mary: Yes.
Justin: Go ask you mom what tea bagging is.
Mary: Ok.
*2 minuutes later*
Bobi: JUSTIN!!!
Justin: haha...bitch.

Pizza Party

Justin: Jesus Christ she's ugly! Go get the bronzer.
Mom: I want her to be ugly.
Justin: Why?
Mom: She already has 7 kids, I don't want her to have anymore. I can't spend anymore money on Christmas.
Justin: But look at her, she's all...Droopy.
Mom: Good. Quiet, she's coming.
Bobi: What are you guys talking about?
Justin: Your ugly fuc...
Mom: WHO WANTS PIZZA?!

Flashback 1995.

Justin: How was your date?
Bobi: Awesome.
Justin: I like your outfit. Is that my diamond bracelet?
Bobi: Yeah I borrowed it.
Justin: Did you ask if you could borrow it?
Bobi: No but it looks better on me anyway.
Justin: Mom Want's to talk to you.
Bobi: Shit.
*Fifteen minutes later*
Justin: How did it go.
Bobi: I just spent the last 15 minutes trying to convince mom that I didn't sleep with Andy.
Justin: And?
Bobi: I don't think she believed me.
Justin: Can I have my bracelet back now?
Bobi: Here.
Justin: Oh Bobi, by the way, your jeans are inside out.
Bobi: FUCK! Why didn't you tell me!?
Justin: Teach you to borrow my bracelet without asking.
Bobi: Bitch.
Justin: Whore.

Busted.

Mom: Why is there a fort made of pillows and blankets in the living room?
Justin: Hi mom.
Mom: And why does it smell like grilled cheese?
Justin: Did you just ask me why it smelt like grilled Jesus? Because that doesn't make any sense. Oh wait, you must have said cheeses...because I smelt that earlier and also because that would have been something I would have smelled before because clearly I'm not old enough to know Jesus...why are you looking at me like that?
Mom: Are you alright
Justin: Alright mom the jig is up, I'm all kinds of high right now.
Mom: ...I'm going to wash my face.
...5 Minutes later...
Mom: Justin...why is there a half of a grilled cheese in my bathroom sink?
Justin: Oh man! I knew I didn't eat all of that! YES!! Hey I rented a funny movie do you want to watch it with me?
Mom: What is it?
Justin: Apocalypse Now.

Nicer.

Mom: Justin, I want you to be nicer to your sister.
Justin: But I don't like her.
Mom: Be the bigger person.
Justin: Well since she is pregnant all the time, I just don't see how that's possible.
Mom: True...but still be nicer.
Justin: But I still don't like her.
Mom: I'm not asking you to like her, I am asking you to be nicer.
Justin: So you want me to lie?
Mom: Yes.
Justin: Fine...I'll go let her out of the garage.
Mom: Why is she in the garage?
Justin: I locked her in there about 20 minutes ago.
Mom: Is that what all that banging is? I thought she was just crushing cans.
Justin: Maybe she is to pass the time.
Mom: Well as long as she is occupied can you help me put these groceries away?

Church Camp

Mom: Remember when I sent you to church camp for the weekend and you were so mad at me.
Justin: Yes.
Mom: And I wrote you that letter saying not to hate me for it.
Justin: Mom, I actually had fun on that trip.
Mom: You did?
Justin: Yeah I slept with one of the youth leaders.
Bobi: WHAT!?!
Justin: oh shit Bobi, I forgot you were here.
Bobi: YOU ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!
Justin: I'll save you a seat you judgmental bitch.

Proud

Justin: This light is taking forever and those kids on their bikes annoy me.
Mom: I'm aware.
Kid On Bike: What are you looking at?
Mom: Your ugly fucking face.
Kid on Bike: What?
Mom: Oh look the lights green!
Justin: I'm not sure what just happened, but I'm proud to call you my mom.