Michelle's Concern

Mom: How was your party?
Justin: It was good, Michelle was there.
Mom: And how is Michelle?
Justin: She asked how you were, she said you didn't look so good the last time she saw you, she said you were pale and coughing.
Mom: Oh...and how's her mom, still fat and a bull dyke?
Justin: ...I'm not sure.

Survival

Bobi: Who are you talking to?
Justin: (on the phone) Grandma.
Bobi: Tell her thanks for sending over the cream cheese, but to stop shopping in the "semi-old but cheaper" food section...it was covered in mold.
Justin: Grandma, Bobi says thanks for the cream cheese but that it was moldy...Grandma says just to cut the moldy parts off.
Bobi: Tell her that's disgusting and I threw it away.
Justin: Bobi says it's gross and she threw it away...Bobi?
Bobi: Yes?
Justin: Grandma says your an ungrateful brat who would have never survived the depression.

Christmas Presents from Grandma

Justin: What the hell is that?
Bobi: Grandma's Christmas present.
Justin: Are those Kraft Singles?
Bobi: Yeah...she insists on getting us food for Christmas, so I asked for cheese for my bagels, but I meant cream cheese.
Justin: She has dementia, be thankful she remembered you wanted chesse you could have gotten soup from 1997 with 19 cents written on the top of the can in Sharpie like I did.
Bobi: I guess, but who puts Kraft Singles on their bagels?
Justin: I think your bigger concern is that mom put the Christmas presents from Grandma under the tree as soon as they came.
Bobi: When was that?
Justin: ...about three weeks ago.

Family Relationships

Justin: You know if dad married grandma he would be your ex-husband and your dad.
Mom: oh.
Justin: and he would be my dad and my grandpa. so technically if that happened in some odd way we would be brother and sister...and mother and son.
Mom: ...WHO RAISED YOU?

The Showtime Preview

Mom: Do you know that all they play on those showtime channels at night is porn? I was flipping through the channels on Saturday night and a movie was on called Busty Cops. The lady cop just ripped off her top and there they were....her enormous breasts. You know what was on after that? More Whores! No Jussy I'm not actually talking about the women....the movie was actually entitled "More Whores". I talked to the charter people today and they said this free preview was up after a year and i said good because i'm not gonna pay to see some saggy breasts. Some 80 year old women in More Whores was talking about how she was in the business for 50 years and all I could think was if only those tit's of hers could talk! You don't believe me? Lets look then...showtime entertainment has "Blobs" up next, showtime prime-time is playing "Shafts Around The World" as we speak...ohh and what's this movie entitled "Ribby boy babouy"! what the fuck is that....ohhh wait it's that fucking foreign film channel....ohhh and look at this "twist" all about about nipples i bet...but man i couldn't believe they had a movie called "More Whores"!
Justin: Mom (Mom continues to rant)
Justin: MOM!
Mom: What?
Justin: This is just a highly inappropriate conversation to be having with your son.

George Bush's Pretty Eyes

Bobi (sister): Well I voted for George Bush because he has pretty eyes.
Justin: ... I just...I just hate you so much...MOM!!
Mom: WHAT? whats going on?!
Justin: Talk to your daughter, I think I'm spontaneously combusting...
Bobi: I just told him that George Bush had pretty eyes.
Justin: (walking down the hall) I'M COMBUSTING!!

New Fvorite Necklace

Dad: I like your necklace.
Justin: Yeah, what do you like about it?
Dad: uh I like the two colors, the silver and gold.
Justin:...what did you just say?
Dad: The silver and gold.
Justin: ...the silver and gold..the silver and gold..how can you be my father and not know that I HATE silver and gold together? This Is CLEARLY PEWTER AND BRONZE! I can't believe you would even say that to me, I can't even look at you right now! It's like I lived with a stranger!!
Dad: All I meant was...
Justin: THANKS FOR RUINING MY NEW FAVORITE NECKLACE!!!