The Favorite

Justin: EVERYONE STOP!
Bobi: What? What's wrong?
Justin: I lost my earring.
Bobi: Just buy a new one.
Justin: uhh, I am not just leaving a diamond earring laying around on the floor.
Bobi: I thought they were cubic zirconias.
Justin: EWW! Why would you ever think that?
Bobi: Well who buys diamond earrings?
Justin: Uh Mom does, for me, on Christmas.
Bobi: She never buys me diamonds.
Justin: Well she likes me.

Cheer Me Up

*Justin half asleep*
Mary (Niece): Uncle Justin?
Justin: AHH VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED CHILD! GO FOR THE EYES! GO FOR THE EYES!!! Oh. it's just you, what do you want?
Mary: You look sad.
Justin: Want to cheer me up?
Mary: Yes.
Justin: Go ask you mom what tea bagging is.
Mary: Ok.
*2 minuutes later*
Bobi: JUSTIN!!!
Justin: haha...bitch.

Pizza Party

Justin: Jesus Christ she's ugly! Go get the bronzer.
Mom: I want her to be ugly.
Justin: Why?
Mom: She already has 7 kids, I don't want her to have anymore. I can't spend anymore money on Christmas.
Justin: But look at her, she's all...Droopy.
Mom: Good. Quiet, she's coming.
Bobi: What are you guys talking about?
Justin: Your ugly fuc...
Mom: WHO WANTS PIZZA?!

Flashback 1995.

Justin: How was your date?
Bobi: Awesome.
Justin: I like your outfit. Is that my diamond bracelet?
Bobi: Yeah I borrowed it.
Justin: Did you ask if you could borrow it?
Bobi: No but it looks better on me anyway.
Justin: Mom Want's to talk to you.
Bobi: Shit.
*Fifteen minutes later*
Justin: How did it go.
Bobi: I just spent the last 15 minutes trying to convince mom that I didn't sleep with Andy.
Justin: And?
Bobi: I don't think she believed me.
Justin: Can I have my bracelet back now?
Bobi: Here.
Justin: Oh Bobi, by the way, your jeans are inside out.
Bobi: FUCK! Why didn't you tell me!?
Justin: Teach you to borrow my bracelet without asking.
Bobi: Bitch.
Justin: Whore.

Busted.

Mom: Why is there a fort made of pillows and blankets in the living room?
Justin: Hi mom.
Mom: And why does it smell like grilled cheese?
Justin: Did you just ask me why it smelt like grilled Jesus? Because that doesn't make any sense. Oh wait, you must have said cheeses...because I smelt that earlier and also because that would have been something I would have smelled before because clearly I'm not old enough to know Jesus...why are you looking at me like that?
Mom: Are you alright
Justin: Alright mom the jig is up, I'm all kinds of high right now.
Mom: ...I'm going to wash my face.
...5 Minutes later...
Mom: Justin...why is there a half of a grilled cheese in my bathroom sink?
Justin: Oh man! I knew I didn't eat all of that! YES!! Hey I rented a funny movie do you want to watch it with me?
Mom: What is it?
Justin: Apocalypse Now.

Nicer.

Mom: Justin, I want you to be nicer to your sister.
Justin: But I don't like her.
Mom: Be the bigger person.
Justin: Well since she is pregnant all the time, I just don't see how that's possible.
Mom: True...but still be nicer.
Justin: But I still don't like her.
Mom: I'm not asking you to like her, I am asking you to be nicer.
Justin: So you want me to lie?
Mom: Yes.
Justin: Fine...I'll go let her out of the garage.
Mom: Why is she in the garage?
Justin: I locked her in there about 20 minutes ago.
Mom: Is that what all that banging is? I thought she was just crushing cans.
Justin: Maybe she is to pass the time.
Mom: Well as long as she is occupied can you help me put these groceries away?

Church Camp

Mom: Remember when I sent you to church camp for the weekend and you were so mad at me.
Justin: Yes.
Mom: And I wrote you that letter saying not to hate me for it.
Justin: Mom, I actually had fun on that trip.
Mom: You did?
Justin: Yeah I slept with one of the youth leaders.
Bobi: WHAT!?!
Justin: oh shit Bobi, I forgot you were here.
Bobi: YOU ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!
Justin: I'll save you a seat you judgmental bitch.

Proud

Justin: This light is taking forever and those kids on their bikes annoy me.
Mom: I'm aware.
Kid On Bike: What are you looking at?
Mom: Your ugly fucking face.
Kid on Bike: What?
Mom: Oh look the lights green!
Justin: I'm not sure what just happened, but I'm proud to call you my mom.

Adoption

Justin: Move child.
Mom: You can't talk to kids like that.
Justin: Why?
Mom: Because they're kids and learning about the world.
Justin: Whats to know? You go to school, get a good job, make a lot of money, bang some people and die.
Child: You guys are fucking nuts.
Mom: What did you just say?
Child: That your fucking nuts.
Justin: Wait are you a child or a very small human?
Child: I'm 10 you retard.
Mom: Where are your parents?
Child: fuck off. (walks away)
Justin: what the hell are you waiting for?!? We need to find his parents right now!
Mom: We should tell them about his language.
Justin: Fuck that! I want to ask if I can adopt him! He's not a cute little Asian girl but you win some you lose some.

Grocery Store Part 1: In the Beginning

Mom: Justin...get up.
Justin: Just leave me here to die.
Mom: I am not leaving you in the parking lot of Hy-Vee to die.
Justin: It's fine. It's sunny out. My hair is big so it's like a pillow for the concrete.
Mom: Justin...get up.
Justin: This is all your fault anyway. Who says "oh I'll come over and bring you some orange juice" but in actuality comes to your door drags you out of bed and takes you to the grocery store. You didn't bring me anything, you actually brought me to the orange juice. Which by the way if you had said "Justin would you like me to drag you out of bed and force you to grocery shop?" I would have respectfully declined.
Hy-Vee Worker: mam, would you like some help?
Justin: I'm the one on the ground here.
Hy-Vee Worker: Would you like some help?
Justin: Yes...can you go buy me some orange juice?

Grocery Store Part 2: The Book of Dave

Mom: Well that was embarrassing.
Justin: What? I got to ride on his cart machine the whole way here. That's like royalty status.
Mom: Riding on a cart machine at the Hy-Vee after you laid in the parking lot for 10 minutes is like royalty?
Justin: Mom, this place is employee owned, you think Dave just does that for everybody? I don't think so.
Mom: Dave?
Justin: The cart pusher. Well actually he used to work in the bakery but it was to high pressure so he moved in to the wide open spaces of cart collection.
Mom: He told you all this?
Justin: Yep and he gave me a Ricola too. Jealous?
Mom: Just go get the orange juice, I'll get the rest.
Justin: Ok, I'm going to find Dave first and see if he can hook me up with one of those rascal carts.

Grocery Store Part 3: The End Of Days

Justin: Mom! What the hell is taking you so long?
Mom: Well this women with her ten thousand children is just standing in front of the tea.
Justin: This bitch?
Mom: Oh Jesus.
Justin: HEY! (yelling at the woman with ten thousand children)
Mom: Wait...why did she just grab up her children and run? All you said was hey.
Justin: oh I ran into her about 10 minutes ago over at the orange juice.
Mom: And?
Justin: I told her I was going to eat her babies if she didn't get out of the way.
Mom: Well your nothing if not...effective.
Justin: Damn right.

The Good Old Days Keep Coming.

Grandma: We had lots of animals. Chickens, Pigs, Horses, Ducks....
Bobi: Ok maybe this was a bad Idea.
Justin: Really? You really think so? I think it was just a great idea to tell her that we wanted to hear her life story, she is only 94 years old you idiot.
Bobi: Ok,Ok, but how do we get out of this?
Grandma: We had lots of animals. Chickens, Pigs, Horses, Ducks....
Justin: Judging from the fact that we have heard this story 5 times in the last 45 minutes, I figure she's on a 10 minutes loop, so basically she forgets everything she says and hears every 10 minutes. Follow my lead.
Bobi: Alright.
Justin: Grandma, I have to tell you something...I'm a stripper.
Grandma: A What?
Justin: A stripper.
Grandma: What does that mean?
Justin: I'm a private dancer.
Bobi: Dancer for Money.
Justin: Do what you want me to do.

The Good Old Days.

Bobi: Just remember you had this coming.
Justin: Had what coming?
Bobi: Remember on Christmas when you insulted my face.
Justin: Since you brought that up, when are you planing to do something about that?
Bobi: Yeah...Which is why I told grandma that you wanted to hear all about her growing up on the farm.
Justin: MOTHER FUC....HEY GRANDMA!
(15 minutes into the coversation, leaning over to whisper in Bobi's ear)
Justin: If we ever make it out of here I am going to rip out your uterus with my bare hands.